Nothing is certain in our circumstances. We're taking chances here. Maybe that's always true, but this time I know what we're doing and how it might not succeed. I can think of how we might suffer.
I could talk about Jesus and the disciples in the boat, how he walked on waves like they were a field of grass, then Peter decided to try walking on water and it worked fine until he thought about it too much. (Matthew 14) Another time, a storm came up. Jesus slept, of all things, and when roused, he told the sky to be still and it obeyed. (Mark 4)
But I'm not finding the retelling helpful. Nor am I comforted by other Bible stories. Because this is happening to me, this is my story, and it will not go like everyone else's. That's the hardest part about walking through a story I am living: I don't get to decide how it ends.
And that's the hardest thing about facing our longings. We don't get to decide what happens to them. We have to trust that God knows best, that his choices about what to do with them are really what's needed.
Sometimes I think I don't quite believe it. Oh I have faith-filled moments, like this morning when I was waking up. As soon as I was conscious, I felt I was surrounded with a gentle Presence which was very comforting, a Presence who knew me and understood. All was well with the world, nevermind any storm.
But somewhere over cereal and coffee and the morning news, doubt returned. Do I matter? Does God care about my little dreams? Have I been selfish to think of them? What if I've been kidding myself and building castles in the air? Do they even have a place in my life? Is it too much? Have I expected more than was wise?
Are you sometimes torn between trusting God with a longing and wondering if it was good for you to have the longing in the first place? Does fear or dread creep into your thoughts when you try to address something you long for?
6 comments:
There is, I believe, no faith without doubt. Or at least that's what I tell myself when I'm feeling bad about doubting God's plans.
With the long and growing longer delay in our dreams of long term mission work I come to spaces where I begin to doubt it was even God's call. Then He will speak something clearly into my spirit that reminds me that He is IN all things.
We need to remember to simply keep running back to Him.
I'm finding this right now as I run around setting up blockades to keep Little Lil hemmed in out of danger. I never thought that my days would be filled with diapers and homework at my age. But circumstances have dictated otherwise, and I struggle lately to fit my writing into my days. I did not try to write when I raised my own.
Maybe if I'd made different choices I wouldn't be in this predicament.
Maybe it's my season to learn more patience--and persevere and trust that in spite of the fact that the road behind stretches beyond the horizon and I can almost see the finish line He can--will--work out His plan. That's better than mine anyway.
In my doubts, I have nowhere to go but Him.
Oh, yes ... frequently. And yet He is there.
I have. I do. When I have those awful doubts, I get quiet and pray and listen. He doesn't give me a time frame, but He does tell me to keep pressing on. That's enough for me.
Sigh...yes.
Beautifully, honestly stated here. Thank you.
To answer your question, YES!!! In tears, I pushed a vacuum and wrestled with God, and kept wrestling, even after the tears and vacuuming ran their course. Until I didn't know how to pray anymore about the situation. Three days. Three days it took and then I woke up, knowing no more how things would turn out than when I started, but knowing the words to pray. And I did, and I kept coming back to them again and again, still not sure I'd make it through, trying to trust. Going with the prayer I'd been given.
And.....God proved Himself again.
But the hanging in there is not for the faint-of-heart.
Loved this post.
Praying for you, Cassandra!
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